A Life

Last night I was at a friends and we watched "Not without my daughter"
and the story goes that an American woman, Her Iranian Husband and their daughter go on vacation in Tehran for "two weeks". Due to family pressure and his Islamic faith her husband forces her to stay in Tehran, where she is required to wear a burqua etc. Long story short she tries to escape and he becomes very violent with her, many opportunities arise in which she could leave *by herself* but she refuses to leave without her daughter. In the end she finally gets back, but the thing that really hits home is that the story was true, and is true for many Western wives living in the Middle East.

This post isn't saying that all Muslims are women beaters, I'm very sure there is lost of nice muslims out there who love their familes. But the thing is there are lots of people being abused out there right now, regardless of religion, "race" or gender. Some people never get out of it and believe that this is what life is like. And when you think about that hard or what an intense movie like that,
You can't help but think... So much doesn't matter

So much... your own comfort... your house. If someone out there is hurting... if someone out there is dying inside, how can we keep living? How can we look at the world in the same way? How can we complain about our own problems when there is millions out there who have absouletely no hope? When everyday... every breath is full of pain? How can we begin to think of staying at home and getting married and having children, when so many children are abandoned, abused, starved and killed. How can we read books on how to be feminine when so many women are having the life crushed out of them? How can we buy a new couch or up grade some part in our house, when others go hungry?
How can we hog a hope to ourselves because we are scared of what others may think. How can we walk past people who are in chains?

But then we get locked up in our own little world, the world in which our utmost pleasure comes first. We forget what another's reality is like, we all are guilty of walking by and yes that "we" includes me.
So then I guess the question is how we break out of that? By taking a running leap at Jesus and making the jump?

Confused

At first it was small such a tiny step to make... who ever though it would have lead here...
to the place where you can't stop walking.

Was it ever meant to happen. No. Ah it seemed so innocent at first. But now it can't be gotten out of... no matter how hard you try.

They say it happened because you were looking for something, for love, perhaps? Well at least to feel wanted. But you can't ever consciously thinking, I need love. In fact you can't ever remember a beginning, it was just there... right from the start?

Anyway now its just there... and you can't get out of it... it comes whether you feel like it or not... it takes control.

You've tried to suspend it... and it works temporaily... but there's always that little thought that seems to be it's introduction.

They say you should just stop... but do they know how powerless you feel? but then are you really powerless? Is this just your thoughts swirling round... making you think that you feel powerless... Never matter those thoughts don't stop it coming again... and again... and again.

You feel terribly bad after... so ashamed that you couldn't stop yourself -not that you really wanted to when it came on. You said sorry to God more times than you have eyelashes to count... You have wondered if this thing was really all that bad... whether God got offended... whether He even cared... He didn't seem to be much help anyway... you always seemed to be treading the hamster wheel -again tis time with 10 more kilos on your back... well if there is any more weight you aren't to sure-after all you seem relitivly normal when its not there.

They say God sees you clean that He doesn't remember you that way.... they say He gets sad... and you don't want to make Him sad but then there are sometimes times when holding onto a bed post for hours is the only thing that helps... God said He came to set the captives free. But there you are -again. You know that everything happens in His perfect timing - But then if He was sad about it why doesn't He just fix it? Or do you have to do this all by yourself...? What does He call help?

They say there are green pastures (in God) in which you can lie in- but when you look for them and believe in them they never seem to come... they say you shouldn't trust your feelings... but how do you know that you are rested if that place of rest never seems to come... or is it one of those things that happen with out your knowing... but what's the point in that if you don't feel an ounce stronger?

Nothing is plain white, nothing is plain black... It's all grey... is it bad... other people would say so... but then aren't we mean to live by the Spirit and not by others convictions?.... are you lying to yourself...?

Is there hope for the addict?... or do you have to keep trudging this muddy path forever... the Bible says not...He says not... but when does this forever end... will reading help?.... does every body deal with this or is it only just you?... He said He'd only give you as much as you could handle.... and most times you do... but there are times when you don't .... will there ever be an end...

And how did God fall in love with you in this state?
How ever did He find in His heart to die?
This makes no sense I am so terribly, terribly confused...
and they say confusion is the mark of the enemy...
maybe I'm half possessed...............................?