The introverted

The silent, the wall flowers, the shy.
Those who keep their mouths shut,
Those who fumble for a the right answer
Those who are dying to make you feel at ease,
to make you amused, to show you that they're not dull
but all of a sudden those words run dry...

Dear world, this affliction is an affliction, you can't make me
just 'say something', you can't make me not over think something. I can't just spit something
out, there's nothing there except my thoughts, and do you really want my thoughts?

Do I wish I could change? Yes in a blink of eye! Nobody wants to be a prisoner in themselves, nobody wants to be trapped in their thoughts. We want to show you our passions and dreams, we want to show you a different world. We don't want to be passed over. We don't want to be bound by this selfish fear. But it's still there, it still has to be fought, so please extroverted world...give us a thought.

Changes

Hi everyone

In case you haven't noticed I haven't really been in the blogging world lately. Unfortunately life picks up and I don't really get time to sit down and write. I am currently doing a pre-health course and working as a cook (catering at a camp) as well as being a kitchen hand on the weekends. But now that it's end of semester and winter over here in New Zealand I'm going to try and post some more.
So that brings me to the next thing... what do you guys want me to write about? I realize that I have done a whole heap of inspirational/rants here in the past and I can't really keep writing them without repeating myself, which is a good thing I guess. So I was thinking of doing mostly sewing/writing/food posts as those are the ones I know the most but if there was anything else you can think of I'm open to suggestions.

A strange life

Christianity

How are we meant to live with a name so mangled? This religion that has a history so marked?

We are so human…

Atheism vs Christianity google an article on either and you’ll see ragged back lashing from either side. Except the Christians claim to love them, Christians say it, but don’t seem to show it.

Where is Jesus?

I am a 17 year old girl living in rural New Zealand.  A backwater compared to the rest of the world I’m sure. I spend most of my time studying and working, realizing that this what is expected of a middle class woman and that I’ll probably be doing one or the other for the rest of my life.

How does this all relate? I’m not sure; maybe it’s a young person who’s trying to point out what is wrong in the world, what’s wrong with her religion, and what’s mixed up in the fact that in the academic world my opinion is nothing. That my life must somehow be the same because I don’t have enough money for a P.H.D. the only thing that lets you have an opinion.

That because I am a ‘good Christian girl” nobody is ever going to want my advice, my help, or my words.  That because I've never been raped, tortured, attempted suicide or been beaten I can’t legitimately help in things I believe need it the most. That no prostitute is ever going to listen to me because I know nothing. And maybe things are meant to be that way. Maybe I’ll live my life, get a job, get a house, get married have kids and die in a rest home.   

Or maybe there is a God out there who is bigger than my circumstances, who say it doesn't have to be that way. That it could be a lot more adventurous, a lot more giving and a whole lot harder.

Or maybe I’m meant to wait in a pew until I get my calling thrust upon me.

I’m pretty sure the guy who said give yourself as living sacrifice didn't have passive waiting in mind. Not that waiting is a bad thing. But for me it’s never really worked.

I guess what I am saying to myself and every Christian out there is we have to do something real. Regardless of the fact that someday the world will end. Regardless of the fact that goodness and heaven are somehow linked.  We have to find it in ourselves to reach out for the good of ourselves and the good of the world.

Rant over

Whistful dreaming

Imagine setting off for distant lands. To where the wind howls sharply, and snow ices the ground for months. Where no food tastes the same. Where languages are different.
Where you can walk right over the border and be in a different world.

Imagine that...

I mean New Zealand is alright in itself, it's all I've ever known. But what's over that mountain? What's across that sea? Ah, wanderlust...just wait and see

The Courageous Girl

a short while ago I was talking with a friend of mine, in fact we had all been in the car and were talking about strengths when suddenly she said "Last year was really hard, I tried doing all this stuff and I didn't seem to be 'good' at anything, all my friends did really well at one thing or another and I was just average, so I decided that I'm good at being average, and that's all I might ever be good at, that I shouldn't expect to much of myself..."
Wow. How often do you hear that? How often do you know that someone isn't killing themselves to be something? True it's sad that she has such a low opinion of herself that she can't see that she is good at a lot of things.  But imagine what the world would be like if people excepted their capabilities, that could be humble about what they can and can't do. Anyway there's just a little glimpse of a real princess, who I wish I was a lot more like

Happy New Year etc etc etc

I'm not much for writing cheesy cliche posts about Christmas -I'm sure your dashboard is already full of them. But I will mention that we had heaps of fun with our German friends; trying lots of different flavours and sweets. We had a good time, but as I said I won't bore you.

New Years was so much fun, partying at a friends place, watching despicable me 2 with lots of friends, good food, sparklers and fire-works at midnight. Getting to bed at 1:30am ;)
Excuse me for a moment, I'm just about to tuck into a '9:30 breakfast' Haselnuss-hazelnut german chocolate, it has four little pieces in each packet and tastes delicious!!!

Apart from that we haven't been doing much lately, only recovering from the hectic sewing we did for the wedding (28th December last year ;) But we did go swimming today in the waterhole -cold. The weather hasn't been very summery lately :/

As for my writing, I haven't officially done anything. Although I've started on a new story: heehee naughty me! It's far more paranormal than anything I've ever written (which isn't very paranormal at all) I'm a little afraid of it as the beginning is a little spooky. Oh well I've got at least 2 more books to write before I seriously start looking at it. Yeah. At least two more, I've decided my fate as an author is going to be writing more than one book, because I just can't not write.

Oh and by the way I've dyed my hair red... not very red, more red velvet because of my dark hair but anyway I like the subtlety. I decided to go with commercial dye as it was cheaper (henna costs $30.00!) and a friend was able to do it on me. I've finally got used to looking in the mirror ;)

We've also been feasting on berries; cranberries, gooseberries, raspberries, strawberries, boysenberries and cherries. Very good, Especially when you get to have yoghurt, cream and raspberries on your cornflakes (best breakfast ever!!)

So as you can see we've had quite a lot of fun, how about you? what have you been doing these holidays?

Life

My life. Right now.. very interesting, very two faced. One day right one day wrong. Everything up in the air, not thought about, everything used without a thought. Confusing. Is this how it's meant to be? How is a black and white seeing person meant to survive without being judgemental? how do they stay open? I just want to know what to do. How to fix my life. How to be happy. Not much to ask? Apparently. Yeah I know life isn't kind. And I know that it's meant to make you stronger. But what about being free? What about not having to worry? Yeah I know that God is meant to fix that. But then how come it's so hard to get close to him? how come you are always drifting back and forth? And I know I don't have time for this, for crying and weeping over myself. There are people out there who are ripped in two and bleeding. Who are trying to cover it up.

How come I want to heal stuff and instead I am shredding things to pieces?

Bits and bobs

I'm just writing down some interesting ponderings about stuff I learnt to day.

In search of truth.

Wouldn't it be nice if we knew somethings were absolutely true. I don't mean things like did God create the universe. But things like is being doggedly positive about everything Christian/Buddhism, Christian or Buddhism ;) get your head around that one. Ok I'll ease it up... Do you think "pain free births" are for Christians or is it an influence from an Eastern Religion? hmmm... I don't actually know... sounds Buddhist to me (as in everything is an illusion type stuff) but at the end of the day it isn't important (well definitely not for me ;D ) *

But it would be really nice if Jesus just said" Missy you're doing real well there.... and well this needs fixing." A kind of Rev 2 & 3 re-enactment. Well that might actually be kinda painful in the end... but a least you'd have some sense of direction!
(just paused to read an article about Buddhism and pain free births, wasn't that helpful in a philosophical sense but I gleaned one thing; *don't freak out* about labour pains and I have to admit that that's gotta help)

Anyway all that blah di blah was just a baby question of mine (pun not intended) and I guess everyone has questions about everything. Soo helpful. So last month I decided to go to a counsellor (someone fall over and die/scream or gasp) just to see what it was like -as it was free. It was like having a conversation, we didn't discuss anything big and it was a lady btw. We talked about fairly controversial topics like music and conflicting word views that you agree with (WHAT! somebody explain! ;) when someone on one side of the fence says blah di blah about singing and the other person on the other side of the the fence says blah di blah opposing their neighbours view... but when you analyse them they both make sense. Small problem) anyway we talked about stuff and one thing that I really got out of it was... don't worry if you don't get it right! well duh common knowledge... but for some reason I couldn't quite get into my head that you didn't have to know everything about God right away... I mean all he asks for is you to believe and receive that he loved you enough to die for you**... really? Is it that simple?! well apparently... But then life crashes in on you (btw I tend to be slightly pessimistic naturally) and you watch riveting videos about the promises in Revelation that are panning out in modern day Israel that urge you to study God's word (out of fear, I mean honestly who doesn't want to avoid bad stuff) but the problem is your bible isn't at all interesting and you want it to be interesting plus you've been raised on the book so you kinda know a bit. Ok a *bit*.
Anyway you go down the same old track of getting other peoples opinions and some say get to know God first then read his book and others say take a concrete pill/ build a bridge and get over it. Then you get really confused and round it goes again. Brilliant!
But life goes on... and you keep on struggling through it with highs and lows. So hopefully God will reveal himself more and somethings will fall into place before we're on our deathbed. ;D So I guess this is my little corner of rebellion. I hope it made sense. Probably didn't help one bit. But anyway it's a slice of a real teenagers life
-Tiffany

(and I manage to cover my favourite topics; midwifery and deep thoughts in one post and it's 11:10pm)





*Another unimportant, wanna be a midwife find;  apparently Vaginal Birth after C-section (VBAC) is safer than continued c-sections statistics for maternal death of VBAC mothers 3.8 out of 100.000 v.s the American populace of 13.4 out 100.000 (for non VBAC) also apparently Amish women have a lower c-section rate etc. read more here
**btw I only just realised that was all God asks for

A Life

Last night I was at a friends and we watched "Not without my daughter"
and the story goes that an American woman, Her Iranian Husband and their daughter go on vacation in Tehran for "two weeks". Due to family pressure and his Islamic faith her husband forces her to stay in Tehran, where she is required to wear a burqua etc. Long story short she tries to escape and he becomes very violent with her, many opportunities arise in which she could leave *by herself* but she refuses to leave without her daughter. In the end she finally gets back, but the thing that really hits home is that the story was true, and is true for many Western wives living in the Middle East.

This post isn't saying that all Muslims are women beaters, I'm very sure there is lost of nice muslims out there who love their familes. But the thing is there are lots of people being abused out there right now, regardless of religion, "race" or gender. Some people never get out of it and believe that this is what life is like. And when you think about that hard or what an intense movie like that,
You can't help but think... So much doesn't matter

So much... your own comfort... your house. If someone out there is hurting... if someone out there is dying inside, how can we keep living? How can we look at the world in the same way? How can we complain about our own problems when there is millions out there who have absouletely no hope? When everyday... every breath is full of pain? How can we begin to think of staying at home and getting married and having children, when so many children are abandoned, abused, starved and killed. How can we read books on how to be feminine when so many women are having the life crushed out of them? How can we buy a new couch or up grade some part in our house, when others go hungry?
How can we hog a hope to ourselves because we are scared of what others may think. How can we walk past people who are in chains?

But then we get locked up in our own little world, the world in which our utmost pleasure comes first. We forget what another's reality is like, we all are guilty of walking by and yes that "we" includes me.
So then I guess the question is how we break out of that? By taking a running leap at Jesus and making the jump?

Frustrations

Just recently I've been thinking. Thinking about a lot of things
like why are we still here? If God has so much in supply what on earth are we doing here? Staying where it is nice and comfortable - when human trafficking has reached 27 million.
Why aren't we taking to heart what Jesus said? He told his disciples to go -with only the clothing on their backs. Why don't we give scandalously?

There are other things like -why do we go to church every Sunday, to get encouraged when we are given encouragement to encourage others - there never seems enough time between Monday and Saturday. Why aren't we doing anything? Why does everything have to be so P.C?
Jesus said to go free the lost- since when did material things come into that?

But I know that we aren't perfect. But every person could do so much. and yes we're all on different levels of selfishness. But God? Doesn't that mean something? If he supplies all- why is there such a thing as normal? Why on earth do we wait? Why don't we love passionately?
Why don't we teach children to give? 
- I guess Jesus just came to seek and save the lost, not to make the earth perfect. Why do people let themselves be bogged down- why does fear exist? Why don't people reach out and say that there is a meaning to life? Why aren't we listening to God? Why does God let us do this? I guess we will know when we get to heaven? Why on earth do we have to wait that 
long? Why do we try and scramble for God just to make us feel better?

I guess I just typed the Christian ideal, but this is what I was thinking about on Sunday. But there was several things I realized after hounding about our imperfections one of them was that we need to strengthen people regardless of what they do to us. 
That of course is really hard and I might get there one day - but it is what Jesus does.
But one thing is for sure I would far rather walk on water with my Jesus than grow old in a rocking chair wishing I had. And there will be times when I'll be a Bilbo Baggins and wish for my nice cosy home. But for the moment as this song says I don't want to go through the motions.  
  
The Motions
This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything 
Instead of going through the motions?

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind 
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something

‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions 
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 
What if I had given everything 
Instead of going through the motions?

Take me all the way
(Take me all the way)
Take me all the way
(‘Cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way
(Lord, I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 
What if I had given everything 
Instead of going through the motions?

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking 
What if I had given everything 
Instead of going through the motions?
Take me all the way
(Take me all the way)
Take me all the way
(I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)

Take me all the way
(Through the motions)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
-Matthew West

life isn't always

Last night as the st official day of Jan I did some writing (surprise surprise)
well thats only cause I had to, as I've entered another one of those writing things.

So anyway after writing a really depressing scene I went on the Jannowrimo site to look and see if any  of the members on there might want to friend me (now that sounds really bad but having other writers as friends makes a world of a difference.

So I found this girl called Autumn then I looked on her writing blog just to get more of an idea of who she was. Then I got a shock. She's been dead for five years. Suicide. But to my horror my eyes kept reading. Here is just one of the pieces 

One of the things that really hurt me is that none of the posts have comments, like it was her pouring out her heart screaming for help. And oh how I wanted to help, but I came 5 years too late. I couldn't stop thinking about it,  I couldn't get to sleep knowing that there are other people out there like that. People who think that suicide is relief. People who don't believe in happiness. And that is so so so sad so terrible. And I am only just realizing how blessed I am -I haven't lost someone that I really love two great grandmothers don't really count as I barely knew them.


And as you can see in the poem she was very talented, but she never got to use her gift beyond her 16 years, she never knew the peace and hope that Daddy/God brings. That fact that she wasn't saved tears me to pieces and it is my dearest hope that she met God somehow and that she is finally in true real love but I know that cannot be.

What this taught me is that the beautiful looking world outside the window is really shaded really really shaded, deep with shadows and only tiny glimmers of light. We who know there is love, desperately need to show the people, the hearts the lives that are dying that are being destoried. It is not ok that a child should have to stay every night in a house where the keepers despise her.


Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I'm not scared 'cause you're holding my breath, I only fear that I don't have enough time left to tell the world that there no time left...
-forgive me
Group 1 crew

To all the Ivvy's out there may you find the God of love the one and only, who cares greatly about you.
-Tiffany